Today is my 35th birthday, so pretty much half way there unless i get hit by a bus. But actually I think thats the way Im gonna go, so Im probably more than half way there. My loved ones cringe at that one. Its not a pretty picture, but I think we all know its a real possibility. I spare no detail in the reports of my cycling near-misses on a weekly basis. I've been known to fall off ladders, step into the street without looking both ways, and cut the tips of my fingers off. I drink pretty much every day, take surf vacations off the grid in foreign countries, and have friends who like to drive really fast and do drugs. I have tattoos and unprotected sex. I have a "expect the worst and hope for the best" outlook. Its a very "fuck it, we are all just lucky to be here anyway" mentality. Not cute, not one for the grandparents, but I like it. Its not that I have forsaken any hope of growing old, or have disproportionately large self-destructive tendencies. Its not that I lack optimism, fear or a sense self-preservation. I am incredibly moral and pretty well-adjusted, I just like to do things that are a little scary and dangerous sometimes. Its brings you closer to death, which is where a lot of a sweet spots in life reside. Thrilling, perspective-altering, learning, sweating, working, failing, crying, and trying harder. Dancing so long that you can't walk, play-fighting so hard that it becomes a real fight. Sitting on top of a powerful wave, trying to ride it gracefully to the shore. Mostly wiping out, but when you nail it, it erodes all the fear, doubt, and pain that preceded it.
I don't pat myself on the back for this behavior, but the thing that i DO pat myself on the back for is that my life is pretty fucking fun, and I've been hard at work for a long time making sure thats how its all goes down. Im pretty sure that when I will die (either tomorrow or 35-50 years from now), I will die with very few regrets. Maybe I will regret that I didn't tell my friends and family I loved them enough, but that seems pretty standard. None of that "I wished I travelled more", "I wished I cared less about money and material things" or "I wish I had pursued my passion instead of that steady job" Nope nope nope. Reading this back to myself I sound like Patrick Swayze in Point Break.. corny. But I stand by it. I think the big sum up is that I don't think my life is unique or PRECIOUS. No scrap books. My body is not a temple, its the whole world. Its a dying universe.
Its possible that my lifestyle was not a choice. Maybe I was born this way. I was the only one who wanted to ride on the "Ring of Fire" at the Fair on my 7th birthday. I am the daughter of a former intravenous drug user and a catholic school girl turned atheist. Its also maybe relevant that were in not for modern medicine, I probably wouldn't be alive. I have thyroid disease. When i developed it, they didn't catch it for a while, so i experienced pretty bad pain, and lots of depression as a young teenager. Since then, and every day when I take that pill, its a reminder that Im living on borrowed time that the 20th century lent me. I was born with crossed eyes which surgery fixed. I'm pretty sure I would not have survived the Salem witch trials if I was a teenage puritan without access to sex, drugs and psychedelic music. Anyway. Ok- I think thats all i have for now. XOM
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