One of the non-class experiences I remember well there was going to visit the Catacombs, an underground treasury of skeletons. There are apparently over 6 million bodies in this underground maze. I remember understanding intellectually what I was doing when I decided to go, but when I actually went in I remember feeling like I was sinking, like this place was too much to comprehend. It was a moment that I really remember feeling like I had to just look at all these bones and just contemplate the fact that I was no more special than any person here.
I think what was the worst were the bones in massive piles. Somehow the shape of the fancy designs abstracted them in a way that was tolerable, but just piles and piles of bones, realizing those were people and that no one would know about them, that the bodies of people will just keep building up really flipped me that day.
I found my journal from that period (the only time I've actually kept one with any consistency) and though I'd see what I said then:
I also went to the catacombs today. I thought I would like it a lot - creepy, death, etc - but I ended up really uncomfortable. I starting thinking about dying and then trying to stop myself from thinking about dying. In my head I had two thoughts that kept bouncing around:
1) that I had no consciousness before I was born so I won't after I die. And if that's true, either we have no souls, no afterlife, or the religions of reincarnation must be the true ones, because we cycle around and around and that other plane is where they waylay. But then the math of people evolving and growing massive numbers and the size of the universe kept growing in my head. I just felt very small and pointless. I kept thinking how sad B must be but doesn't show it [now that his father is gone.] Or hasn't dealt with it because losing someone who meant so much must be so enormous.
And then 2) That really knowing death should make you seize life. But then I didn't know what that meant. Does seizing life mean ignoring the wants of others because in the end you can't live your life for them and so why stop yourself from living and doing your ream dreams? Ie - why hold yourself back in fear - OR - should you care for and help all people because life is about connection, work is fleeting and each life should be the best it can.
I really was struggling between what version of life-grabbing I should be epiphanizing on as I had this intense meditation of death. I felt both that I was doing neither and that I could move closer to either. It felt like palpable fear. Mostly, I just wanted to leave. To think of something interesting to say about it (a real skill and crossbones, SO MANY FEMURS!) in case asked but I want so much to be out and away. I simultaneously wanted to be close to B, to hug him, mesh into him, to prove we are in life and vital and alive and life seizing and at the same time throw away everything, that relationship, all of it, and find something more REAL, to embrace and confront any doubt I've ever had and know that I'd feel more secure having done so.
But at the same moment I know there was far too much and I would never do that, at least not unless something drastic happened.
And then again I felt like I had embraced neither attitude and was on my way to a meek and unfulfilled life. I started going over my choice not to cash in the metro orange ticket earlier because I didn't exactly understand why I needed a new one or what would happen without do so and I didn't want to try and sort that out in another language. I kept thinking of the questions I asked myself: Why would they sell me this if I couldn't use it? Why make a fuss if you made out alright? Why bother with potential conflict?
All these questions were examples of my fear and my holding myself back. It was a stupid small thing. But it was also my inability to get past my fear and embrace life. And the questions started bouncing off the skulls and the bones and the walls and all of it was making my heart race. The air felt clammy and cold and I just wanted to get out. I made a promise not to relax with a game or radio until I'd taken action on my life - accomplished things I should - stop drinking, work out, stop sitting around, etc...
And I've done many of the things but not all. I listened to the radio and played my stupid game. And now I'm calm and fed and confident. And not too behind.
Not really behind much at all...
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